we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
