I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
And then my night got REAL pukey
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
