I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
