Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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