There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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