Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
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it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
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Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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