My sheets look like a crime scene.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
