i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
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She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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