I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
