I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
