why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
