I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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