either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
