Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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