do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
