OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
