Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My cat gives me a boner
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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