Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
