Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
