Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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