Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
