the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I will be naked everywhere
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
