I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
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i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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