apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
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