We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
