next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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