i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
