so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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