I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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