Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
