Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
