Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
