can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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