mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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