Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
