Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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