I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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