Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
