I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
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