Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize