i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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