Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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