Only a mothe r could love this liver
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
