i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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