Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
They took my balls.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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