Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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