i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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