You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
