while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
