I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
