just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
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I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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