who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
