totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
