happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
and she was petting her beer can
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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